These Advice from My Father Which Helped Me as a New Dad

"I think I was simply in survival mode for twelve months."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the difficulties of being a father.

However the truth quickly turned out to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Serious health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into becoming her chief support in addition to caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I took on every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his parent, on a park bench, that made him realise he required support.

The straightforward words "You are not in a good spot. You require assistance. What can I do to support you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and find a way back.

His story is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more accustomed to addressing the pressure on mothers and about PND, less is said about the difficulties fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan feels his difficulties are part of a broader failure to communicate amongst men, who still internalise negative perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."

"It's not a sign of being weak to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental health is equally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to request a pause - spending a few days overseas, outside of the family home, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions in addition to the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices.

The notion of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "poor actions" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that aren't helpful," he explains. "They may temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Managing as a New Father

• Talk to someone - when you are swamped, speak to a trusted person, your other half or a counsellor what you're going through. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the things that helped you to feel like you before the baby arrived. This might be exercising, seeing friends or gaming.
• Look after the body - a good diet, staying active and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their journeys, the difficult parts, as well as the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the most effective way you can look after your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the death, having had no contact with him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead give the stability and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - managing the feelings in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their struggles, changed how they communicate, and figured out how to control themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… processing things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I said, at times I believe my purpose is to guide and direct you what to do, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am understanding an equal amount as you are on this path."